Man! How long will it be until my brain kicks into the supposed "grown-up" mode where it can stay focused on work and responsibilities for more than fifteen minutes at a time? I thought I would have grown out of it in college, but my mind's eye is habitually distracted by shiny objects all over the mentalshpere (new word--I coined it... I think).
Am I doing something wrong? Do I have to eat more boring bran cereal in the morning to get my big-person-brain? Maybe I should start watching C-SPAN and Bloomberg television, and I can read the Economy section in the newspaper. (Ugh... my brain just threw up a little bit on itself).
The problem isn't just that my mind wanders. It is that I feel as if I get distracted to the point of not being able to do what I am called to do to the fullest extent. I don't want to get in the way of myself or in the way of what God wants to do in and through me.
Maybe the problem is that I just don't feel completely and utterly passionate about this season of life yet. (Notice I said yet!) Life is starting to settle down a little bit, but who am I kidding... everything is still brand friggin new for me: full time ministry, full time bill paying, full time husbandry (I'm talking about the act of being a husband... not about the act of tree trimming and bush planting), and all that stuff.
How long will it take? I know it will probably take a while. Yet I, like most of my generation, am spoiled by the fast-food-express-microwave-no-wait-30-second-attention-span paradigm of our culture. How does one detach themselves from that? I belong to God's kingdom, not this one I conveniently rent my earthly dwelling from.
So... is it me? my personality? immaturity? transition? my culture? my sugar intake? my music selection (oh God please don't let it be this one!)?
Oh well.... time to go suck it up and be an "adult" I guess.
They will say, "Where is the promise of his coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all things are continuing as they were from the beginning of creation" ....
But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are don on it will be exposed.
Since these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness [?], waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set on fire and dissolved, and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn!
[2 Peter 2: 4, 8-12]
How does the knowledge that it could all burn tomorrow effect my life today, right now, at this moment? Do I even allow it to effect me? I don't live in fear of it. In fact I see that Peter thinks we are awaiting it... actually hastening its coming. But aside from not fearing it, do I ever engage the thought that Jesus' return could be at any moment? One day there will be a throwdown between God and this world... and it could happen three minutes from now or 5 days or 8 months or 32 years.... any time. But does that knowledge do anything to the way I act now? I don't think it always does... but it should. The countdown is happening, but no one can see the timer...
Tick tock...... tick tock.....
I can focus all my energy on trying to figure out how much longer it will keep ticking so I can keep living as if it isn't ticking.
--or--
I can focus just enough on the ticking to know that it is there, and that there is a countdown for me, you, and the rest of the world and let that influence my words, thoughts, actions, and passions.
Tick tock.... tick tock.... .... .... (Do you smell it burning yet?)
Since these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness [?], waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set on fire and dissolved, and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn!
Do I love like it is almost over? Do I live and leave imprints? Do I search for divine direction with desperation? Do I hear the ticking? Do I stand out like a pure and bright brush stroke on a tar covered canvas, or do I blend in--not quite white, not really black, more of a gray? Do I hope for opportunities to reveal Him to a hurting world or do I hide from them? Do I hear the ticking? I do not fear it, but do I fear for those who cannot hear it? The ultimate throwdown is coming? Am I selling tickets hoping for crowd casualties or am I directing traffic away from the epicenter towards the One who will shelter them from the blast? Tick tock.... am I listening?
Yes, I actually was in a metal band! I am the guy smackin the heck out of the drums in the back. Oh and my wonderful wife is the one who is being "blessed" by the most Metal Birthday song ever. The quality of the video and performance may not be the most amazing in the world but for only having been together for three months and not really being able to hear what we were playing, I would say we did pretty well.
It is a strange transition that I find myself in right now. I have been a student for so long that I find myself somewhat scattered by the lack of homework and pressure that exists within the world of academics. Now I must adjust to no longer being a professional student, but being a youth pastor by profession. Though I will never cease being a student because of my love to learn and stretch my mind, things are definitely different now. I sit in my office wondering how long it will take me to really engage this new position God has placed me in. It isn't that I have completely disengaged, but it doesn't feel like the type of engaging I would do when working on assignments for some class. Maybe it is just the lack of grades that makes it difficult (however that question opens up another can of worms about whether I define myself by my accomplishments and acknowledgment, which I am sure I will discuss some other time). Maybe it is merely the newness of everything that is leaving my head spinning (graduation, marriage, moving, full-time ministry, entrance into the truly adult world of bills/groceries/insurance/etc). Maybe it is God plowing the soil of my mind and heart preparing me for new growth. It is most likely all of the above.
All I can say is that I am definitely ready for some sense of arrival to whatever destination I am in the process of traveling to. Even if it is just a fraction of a percentage of feeling that, I still want it. But will there ever really be a time in which I "arrive." Nope... not on this earth anyway. Even though I say I want to feel the satisfaction and comfort of arrival, I also get bored easily if I am not constantly challenged or in the process of creating something. Has God made us all like that? Does He ever want us to feel as if we have finally arrived in our existence? I doubt that too. Wouldn't that take the fun out of everything--if we all of a sudden felt like we had nothing left to strive for the rest of our days, that every small and every giant goal and ambition had been marked off our bucket lists? Perhaps I digress into a different topic all together while trying to answer my own question. Nonetheless I don't think I will ever "arrive" in all of eternity because that would mean the end of creating and experiencing which is what God is all about.
So maybe I am not awaiting "arrival" so much as I am waiting for the feeling of fitting these new surroundings.
Yeah... that has to be it. Forget arriving. I just want to fit.
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